Unravelling the mystery of Kamran Akmal's chirps

Unravelling the mystery of Kamran Akmal's chirps

Andy Zaltzman on this keeper conundrum and other readers' questions

Kamran Akmal

Today’s blog consists of the first batch of responses to the Ask Andy questions that you, the reader, have submitted. I have endeavoured to answer them as honestly and truthfully as possible.

Hi Andy. Please can you find out what Kamran Akmal constantly chirps through the game? Could he just get a T-shirt printed?
Kicker of Elves, UK

I have made extensive enquiries through my network of sources throughout international cricket, and there is some disagreement over exactly what Kamran is chirping. Some believe it to be a dictation of the latest chapters of his epic autobiographical novel, The Wicketkeeper Who Came In From The Cold. Some literary critics have accused him of being “far too easily influenced by British spy writer John le Carré”, but Kamran finds it easier to write whilst wicket-keeping, then he goes home, watches the TV coverage of the day’s play, and transcribes the latest thrilling plot twists onto his typewriter.

Others are convinced it is his own translation of the works of 1970s rock group Supertramp, whose songs he believes contain coded words of advice and encouragement for spin bowlers which he is only too keen to relay. Former Pakistan Test player Mansoor Akhtar is alone in thinking that Kamran’s chirps, when played backwards, contain a savage assessment of the actions of the World Bank in failing to alleviate global poverty.

Personally, I believe his chirps to be just that – chirps. Kamran is attempting to summon a bird of prey, in the hope that it will fly behind the bowler’s arm at the moment of delivery, distracting the batsman and resulting in a wicket for his beloved Pakistan.