How to talk about cricket without knowing anything

How to talk about cricket without knowing anything

It is a problem even the stars are not immune to. Help is at hand, though

Sidin Vadukut

May 24, 2011

Earlier this week I received a letter from a frequent reader of my ESPNcricinfo columns. This fortnight I would like to use this space to respond. As you will see from the transcript of her letter below, the concerns raised by this reader are universal:

Dear Sidin Vadukut,

Would it be an exaggeration to say that I am your biggest fan? I think not. I have been reading your Page 2 columns ardently for months. I love them very much indeed, and if I could I would have adopted you a long time ago. (Or can I still? Tee hee.)

Of course, because I am American, and have always lived here, I know very little about cricket. This had never been a problem. But now things have changed.

Ever since India won the World Cup this year I am finding it very difficult indeed to have conversations with my many Indian friends. Whenever I hang out on the weekends at NASA - where 74% of all employees are Indians - or at the Insider Trading and Financial Fraud section at Riker's prison in New York - where 88% are Indians - they keep bringing up cricket. They say things like "variable due from the pavilion medium" or "the worm is overtaking the cartwheeling Manhattan".

What is the meaning of all this? I am very upset that I cannot participate in these discussions. Can you please help?

I know you are busy. But perhaps the attached photos of myself in only batting pads will give you enthusiasm!

Yours forever,

Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie

As I said before, the issues raised by Angie here are by no means uncommon. Very often I run into people from the non-cricketing nations, such as England, who feel terribly left out in cricketing company.

There are many reasons for this. First of all, the rules of cricket are both complex and inconsistent due to the multiplicity of formats. Some things that are compulsory in Tests are illegal in Twenty20. (VVS Laxman for instance.)

Secondly, context is so important in most cricketing discussions. Little children in Mumbai, who are less than 10 years old, will nonchalantly refer to the 1929 India tour of Australia, when India played the Aussies in Melbourne and batsmen Vijay Merchant and Vijay Hazare got into an argument over an ultimatum.

Then, of course, there are the constantly changing technical details and jargon. What immediately comes to mind is the new CDRS technology: Cheerleader Decision Referral Srinivasan.

All this makes cricket conversation a nightmare for newbies. However, all is not lost. I have a suggestion.

Since cricket conversation takes years to perfect, initiates need some shortcuts to get things started. The following is a list of five verbal tricks to join cricket conversations without knowing anything. Other people will think you know what you are saying. They might even admire your expertise. In reality you're just winging it.

The next time the conversation turns to cricket and people turn to you for inputs, fire one of these:

"But if you compare this to that innings in Sharjah…" There is no need to know which innings. If anyone clarifies, just agree with him or her. Nobody really remembers any innings from Sharjah. Except two of Sachin's.

"When you think about it, it was a pretty good toss to lose." When used early enough in a match, this sounds very pundit-like. When people ask you why, just point at the TV and say: "Look at the ground, dude!"

"Ha ha ha! At least they don't have to score 21 off one ball!" Use whenever someone is batting and you sense desperation. Or if it begins raining. This refers to a notorious moment of cricketing history that South Africa have never really recovered from.

"Whatever! This format is meaningless…" Use anywhere, at any moment in any match. And say it with disdain. You will sound either modern or purist, depending on what match it is.

"He looks a little like that Yorkshire player from the 70s no?" No one will want to admit that they know nothing at all about county cricket. So they will hem and haw and try to avoid your question. You will look like a genius.

Over time, readers like you and Angie will find many other such insidious ways of fitting into conversations.

If you have any such tricks of your own, please send them in right away. Good ones will get pictures of me wearing only wicketkeeping gloves.

Sidin Vadukut is the managing editor of Livemint.com and the novel, Dork: The Incredible Adventures of Robin 'Einstein' Varghese. He blogs at Domain Maximus.

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Pakistan's answer to the IPL

The cheerleaders will be men, there won't be any Englishmen around, and there'll be kebabs and more to spare

Imran Yusuf

April 28, 2011

Even phrases aren't safe with the Pakistan Cricket Board. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" has been inverted, as the Pakistanis now plan to host their own version of the IPL.

A number of names are being considered. The frontrunner appears to be the Non-Indian Premier League, or NIPL, which is followed by the catchy tagline "Suck on That".

Location is proving more of a twister. The Pakistanis can't play at home because it's too dangerous. Thus the no-man's-land-but-cash-rules city of Dubai is the likely site for the tournament. However, according to some dude on Facebook called Zulqarnain Haider, even Dubai is too dangerous. But my mom told me not to believe everything on Facebook.

angelina jolie

So Dubai it is. This is rather like someone in South Central LA hosting a party at a posh joint downtown, which says everything about the guests and their lack of adventure. Do people not realise that slumming in hot spots is the new eco-tourism? Who needs the has-been dull-dolls Shilpa Shetty and Preity Zinta when you have, as a regular visitor to Pakistan, Ms Angelina Jolie?

Shane Warne, at least, would definitely come.

Indeed, after further consideration of the potential delights, many more players, fans and shameless advertisers would follow.

In Peshawar we'd have strapping northern Pakistani men in lieu of the usual plastic cheerleaders, thus quadrupling the female television audience.

In Quetta we'd have commentators' product placement run riot: "...And that's a Babar Khan AK47 Superstore Yorker from Shoaib Akhtar". "...And that's an Omar's Mail Order Rocket Launchers Maximum from Adam Gilchrist." "And that's a Shireen's Specialist Moustache Removal Beauty Parlour Maiden from Daniel Vettori."

In Karachi, Chris Gayle would tweet live on the city's infamous target killings, eventually winning a Pulitzer Prize for journalism and declaring: "This is the big one. Forget World Cups and the Frank Worrell Trophy and even the Stanford millions. The West Indies Cricket Board will never understand me - this is the one I really wanted."

In Lahore, Andrew Symonds would hail the kebabs as the best in the world, tempting David Boon and Arjuna Ranatunga to join the swelling ranks of retired cricketers playing Twenty20. Inzamam-ul-Haq, however, would likely remain unmoved.

In Islamabad nothing would happen, and every Indian player would sigh with relief at a moment, however brief, of respite from cricket and its ensuing tamashas. "There is nothing to do," says the bored Isloo resident. "Yes," says MS Dhoni. "Exactly. What bliss!"

Also, following the example of the IPL, the NIPL would punish innocent players for the actions or non-actions of their government and therefore piss on sport's wonderful capacity to unite individuals beyond politics. Thus there would not be a single English player in sight. Two hundred years of subjugation and exploitation come with a price. Graeme Swann, you imperialist scum!

More than anything, Pakistanis would get to see some live cricket.

The stadiums of Karachi, Lahore, Multan, Faisalabad and Rawalpindi are silent and starving. The bowl-shaped arenas are begging. What they need is the modern incarnation of the man who fed the five thousand. The man who walked on water. The man who can unite the warring tribes of Adidas and Nike and just do the impossible.

What's Lalit Modi up to these days?

Imran Yusuf is a writer who takes guard on middle and off. The quotes and "facts" in this piece are all made up, but you already knew that, didn't you?